Below is an excerpt from Chapter One of the Emotionally Healthy Church.
Read the entire chapter here. (A PDF document will open up in a new window.) The overall health of any church or ministry depends primarily on the emotional and spiritual health of its leadership. In fact, the key to successful spiritual leadership has much more to do with the leader’s internal life than with the leader’s expertise, gifts, or experience. It took me a long time to realize that yet another leadership seminar or more information was not the key to “successful” church leadership. In fact, my journey toward leading an emotionally and spiritually healthy church was not triggered in a seminar or book. Instead, it was brought to a head with a very painful conversation at home. My Wife Couldn’t Take It Anymore “Pete, I’m leaving the church,” my wife Geri had muttered quietly. I sat still, too stunned to respond. “I can’t take any more of this stress—the constant crisis,” she continued. Geri had been more than patient. I had brought home constant pressure and tension from church, year after year. Now the woman I had promised to love just as Christ loved the church was exhausted. We had experienced eight unrelenting years of stress. “I’m not doing it anymore,” she concluded. “This church is no longer life for me. It is death.” When a church member says, “I’m leaving the church,” most pastors don’t feel very good. But when your wife of nine years says it, your world is turned upside down. We were in the bedroom. I remember the day well. “Pete, I love you, but I’m leaving the church,” she summarized very calmly. “I no longer respect your leadership.” I was visibly shaken and didn’t know what to say or do. I felt shamed, alone, and angry. I tried raising my voice to intimidate her: “That is out of the question,” I bellowed. “All right, so I’ve made a few mistakes.” But she calmly continued, “It’s not that simple. You don’t have the guts to lead—to confront the people who need to be confronted. You don’t lead. You’re too afraid that people will leave the church. You’re too afraid of what they’ll think about you.” I was outraged. “I’m getting to it!” I yelled defensively. “I’m working on it.” (For the last two years, I really had been trying, but somehow still wasn’t up to it.) “Good for you, but I can’t wait any more,” she replied. There was a long pause of silence. Then she uttered the words that changed the power balance in our marriage permanently: “Pete, I quit.” It is said that the most powerful person in the world is one who has nothing to lose. Geri no longer had anything to lose. She was dying on the inside, and I hadn’t listened to or responded to her calls for help. She softly continued, “I love you, Pete. But the truth is, I would be happier separated than married. At least then you would have to take the kids on weekends. Then maybe you’d even listen!” “How could you say such a thing?” I complained. “Don’t even think about it.” She was calm and resolute in her decision. I was enraged. A good Christian wife, married to a Christian (and a pastor I may add), does not do this. I understood at that moment why a husband could fly into a rage and kill the wife he loves. She had asserted herself. She was forcing me to listen. I wanted to die. This was going to require me to change! The Beginnings of This Mess How did we get to this point? Eight years previously, my wife and I had begun a church with the vision...) Continue reading our story here. (A PDF document will open up in a new window.) |
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